So that crazy bunch of guys over at the United Nations have decided to wow the world by appointing 88-year old despot Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe as “leader of tourism” along with Zambian President Michael Sata.
Mugabe signed the agreement with the UN World Tourism Organisation secretary general Taleb Rifai in No-Man’s Land on the Victoria Falls Bridge on the Zimbabwe/Zambia border yesterday (30 May).
State-owned Zimbabwe newspaper, The Herald, quoted Rifai encouraging tourists to visit the near destitute African nation: “I was told about the wonderful experience and the warm hospitality of this country … By coming here, it is recognition, an endorsement on the country that it is a safe destination.”
Serial human rights abuser and owner of the 3rd most famous toothbrush moustache Mugabe may be subject to international sanctions which prevent him from being able to travel freely within the EU or the US, but who the fuck cares right?
I mean, the man may have single-handedly destroyed Zimbabwe’s infrastructure along with its hotel, travel and tourism industry and caused countless deaths due to the starvation of his own people. However just take a look at the thousands of eager Zimbabweans currently sunning it up nice camping holidays across the various regions of sub-Saharan Africa, some of them enjoy it so much they have been there literally for generations! I can’t imagine those camps are any worse than Butlin’s right?
Anyway, I thought maybe I could help the UN with their hilarious new line of inappropriate appointments with a few ambassador suggestions of my own.
Bashar Al-Assad – UN Goodwill Ambassador
Yes, I nominate Satan himself as the UN’s new goodwill ambassador to join a long and prestigious list of other goodwill ambassadors including Emmanuel Adebayor, Jackie Chan and 90s gay pin-up Ricky Martin.
Sure, he may be butchering children in their sleep and further destablising one of the most fucked up regions on the planet, but he’s got a cheeky smile, everyone on Twitter knows his name and his wife is pretty hot. What more could you ask for?
For a man to openly massacre half the population of his own country whilst UN observers sit twiddling their impotent dicks sipping Johnnie Walker Black Label in Damascus hotel rooms one can only commend his audacity.
Think of the amount of goodwill he has had to spread over the years to inspire that kind of flagrant reticence from the international community? I mean, lets face it, politicians are just a better class of people than us ordinary folk.
Silvio Berlusconi – UN Ambassador for Gender Equality
Tabloid journalists across Europe wept in the streets when Europe’s favourite pervert Silvio Berlusconi resigned as Italian Prime Minister as they had lost a lifetime achievement award’s worth of ready-made stories and even dodgier puns to peddle their shitty newspapers.
But I say bring him back! After all, he did employ a large number of women for all sorts of official and unofficial state roles. Hiring glamour models as cabinet ministers just shows how progressive this mans views really are. The stories of him hiring a 16-year old Moroccan prostitute just prove he really isn’t prejudiced against women of any age or ethnicity and using UN logic he is surely the right man for the job…
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – UN Ambassador for Nuclear Disarmament
Ahmadinejad is probably the second best thing to happen to Iran since Russian highly-enriched Uranium, right?
Sure, he may share jokes with Hugo Chavez about dropping a “big atomic bomb” on the US but it’s good to take a light-hearted approach to your job, especially when that job involves the ever present threat of global nuclear holocaust.
Come on guys, let’s forget all those violations of internationally imposed sanctions, after all willing to risk killing every man, woman and child on the planet for Nuclear-powered peace is exactly the kind of attitude I think the UN is currently looking for from their nominated representatives.
Tony Blair – UN Ambassador for Media Ethics
The fact that Tony Blair has the blood of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi’s on his conscience doesn’t stop him from putting on a song and a dance for the world’s media as his appearance at last week’s Leveson inquiry showed.
I mean, this guy has got some serious testicular fortitude, it either takes skull-numbing naivety or balls made from pure steel to state that newspapers are used by their owners as “instruments of political power… in which the boundary between news and comment is deliberately blurred”, whilst also being godfather to Rupert Murdoch’s daughter.
Yes, the same man who branded the media a “feral beast tearing people and reputations to bits”, is also the same man whored his ass for Rupert Murdoch and News International for an election victory no one particularly cared about in trade for turning a blind eye to unethical press behaviour that will impact our lives for generations.
That would kind of be like starting one of the bloodiest wars in Middle Eastern history and then being appointed as special a Peace Envoy to the region… Hang on a second…