On the long list of things that people in the Middle East just can’t seem to sort out, wedged somewhere between nuclear war and how to stop sand getting everywhere, is the issue of women. From the recent reports of sexual harassment becoming a regular occurrence on Egyptian streets, to eight-year-old schoolgirlsgetting attacked in public for dressing “immodestly”, it’s pretty clear that it’s not a massively great place for women to live. Thankfully that’s all set to change, thanks to pairs of blurry glasses that are taking Israel’s Ultra-Orthodox Jewish community by storm.
The basic premise is that, if you can’t see women in front of you, you’ll not entertain the idea of having sex with them. I decided to try the method out for myself, to see if this was a useful long-term solution to a real problem, or if it was just sticking a plaster over a moral shotgun wound.
First things first: to get the experiment right, I had to ensure that I could match the levels of sexual frustration experienced by an extremely religious person. I didn’t have time to convert, so I went for the quick fix and necked a Viagra pill I found on the backseat of the N11 to Hammersmith, while wearing a pair of jeans that were two sizes too small for me.
I washed the Viagra down with some shitty energy drink and hurried to the nearest opticians. I asked the guy behind the counter if he knew of any glasses that could inhibit my sexual desires. Having listened carefully to my predicament, he sold me the strongest reading glasses he had and made me promise never to wear them because they could seriously damage my eyesight. I took this as a good sign.
It was indeed money well spent. Look at the view through these things. I could only see about a foot in front of my face. I realised that if this experiment was successful, we may have been at the dawn of a new era of religious and sexual hegemony. I imagined crate-loads of these things being sent to the Catholic Church and out on to the streets of Egypt, single-handedly tackling the huge problem the libido presents to Middle Eastern culture.
The next thing I had to do was find members of the opposite sex to interact with, so that I could actually test my new Jewish anti-sex specs. Unfortunately, the effect the glasses were having on my vision was making this a problem. I approached this fine beauty to ask for directions to the nearest library.
Imagine my disappointment to find the woman was actually a Portuguese geography teacher named Alfredo.